The words seem to have dried up. Having just written a post about how much I was feeling the benefit of posting everyday, I have skipped quite a few. I was beginning to get worked up about it, but my husband, ever supportive, pointed out that writing this blog was meant to be a fun activity.
The other posts have effectively written themselves. They are streams of consciousness that have been edited and touched up as I wrote them out. But over the last few days, writing has been a struggle. I’ve started a couple of posts and either not finished or not liked the outcome. Part of this might be because I’m not sure how I am feeling, or am possibly not really feeling at all. I’m not quite experiencing the numb sensation familiar with depression but I have been gradually getting overwhelmed this week. I find this really frustrating. I used to be able to do a lot more without it having such an effect.
I’ve had some new challenges to face this weekend, the biggest being taking over the responsibility of the nursery at my church. Despite it being an uplifting experience, since my first Sunday in Nursery (yesterday) I have noticed a reluctance to communicate, usually the first sign that my mental wellbeing is not as high as it could or should be.
Yet I believe the biggest cause of my apparent writer’s block is the fact that I have a partially written post on my mind. Since I wrote the ‘Habits’ post, I have been trying to sit down and write about the bleakest period of my life thus far. It feels like the next part of the story, and the next part of the healing process. Whilst I feel that blogging is truly helping me engage with past emotional experiences, perhaps I’m just not ready to explore that one yet. I think that despite what I wrote in my last post, I’m going to have to take sometime to write the next one. It can’t be a quick writing session at the end of the working day, or something that I squeeze in between dog walks, church activities and date night. I need to sit and think, to become fully engaged with the events and emotions that I remember; to absorb them, write them out and then publish them. Hopefully once published, they will no longer prey on my mind anymore. Or at least, not as much.